so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
