I will die if light touches me.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
