I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
