East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
