I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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