A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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