I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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