He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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