It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
