Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
