i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Randomize
