There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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