all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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