I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
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Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
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My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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