I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
