Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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