I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
