I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
