so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
