We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
