please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
