i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
