Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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