I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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