i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
