I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
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That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
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I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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