i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
