I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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