i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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