so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
