I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Too much gin, very little bucket
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
