I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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