I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
