How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
