I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
