Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
