Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Randomize
