tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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