i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
