The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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