i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
