Who did Billy Mays play for?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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