her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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