I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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