I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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