the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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