life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
