just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
