why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
