You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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