My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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