Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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