I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
