8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Bring me that man meat
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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