I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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