I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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